walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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