She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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