splinters make it hard to masturbate
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
