Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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