why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
