So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
