I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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