Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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