what day is it and did you see me today?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
