thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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