I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
