Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
