You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
