This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
