and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
that may or may not have been my penis.
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