Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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