I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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