I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
