getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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