I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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