Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm getting married
To pizza
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
