I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i love accidental penises.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
