Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I had to cum in my sink.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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