I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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