dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
