A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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