So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
