Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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