You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
