turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
