i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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