Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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