I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
