Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
