Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
