Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
