turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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