so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
