So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
