If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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