So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
