I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
