Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
