tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
