Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Operation Purity has been aborted
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
