she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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