so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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