why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
