turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
