I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Boobs speak an international language.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
